What is a Total Loser?
A Total Loser’s Guide to Being a Loser.
“I just keep losing. I mean, some people just...are supposed to lose? For balance in the universe? I mean, like, are there just some people on earth who...are supposed to be here just to make it easier for the winners?” ~Donald Glover
A Total Loser is someone who fails constantly, especially a person with bad luck, or poor skills. Total Losers not only fail constantly, they fail big. When a Total Loser makes a mistake it is seldom a small one, it is usually a huge life altering mistake that cannot be undone.
Writing this article from the perspective of a Total Loser I think I have a very good idea of what a Total Loser is, and I wear the Total Loser badge well.
I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to old school parents who both grew up poor, and believed that the best discipline was found at the buckle end of the belt. The buckle end of the belt lovingly kissed my backside multiple times as a child.
The upside of that came at the Christian church that I had to attend in my youth. It seems mother superior, who was in charge of discipline didn’t allow any individual thought, or simple logic to interrupt the teachings that they believed to be true.
Simply questioning the virgin birth, or how it is possible for it to rain hard enough in 30 days to cause the oceans to rise 30,000 feet, and cover the Himalayan Mountains resulted in a beating.
Mother superior’s beating with a wooded stick was a massage compared to my father’s beating with a belt.
Maybe I as a total Loser have some unresolved issues relating to those bygone days. Let’s continue on a slightly different tangent.
I remember when I was six years old I discovered that if I pushed in on the top of my eyeball I would have double vision. I thought it was a game, and did it quite often. I didn’t know at the time, but that action was stretching my eye lids, and soon I had droopy eyes. This earned me the nickname “Sleepy” all through school.
Pushing my eyeballs gave me drunk vision, or maybe it was Total Loser vision.
I remember going on a field trip in elementary school, and sitting on a bus enjoying the ride when the teacher yelled at me, “Don’t fall asleep, we are almost there!”
I replied, “I am not sleeping, I am just sitting here.’
She slapped me across the face and said, ‘Don’t lie, I saw you!”
Things were different back in the mid 1970’s.
I wish I could go back in time, and bring a razor sharp pocket knife with me, and slit her throat. I would be long since out of jail / juvenile detention by now, but she would never disrespect anyone, or put her hands on a child again.
Perhaps that is the angry man within me now talking, or maybe I am a Total Loser after all.
By middle school my droopy eye lids were quite noticeable earning me the nickname, “Sleepy”, with a nickname like that, being bullied was an absolute, and making friends was impossible.
Students in high school were a bit more creative, and instead of accusing me of being sleepy, accused me of being stoned all the time. “Check that dude out, he is stoned off his a…. butt.”
Then somebody else would say, “He always looks like that.”
Who would have thought a six year old child who use to be me pushing on his eye lids would screw up my life, and make me a Total Loser forever?
I did go to an eye doctor in the 1980’s that mentioned my drooping eye lids, and said, ‘we can do surgery and sew your eye lids to lift them up, but I have seen that procedure go wrong. If it is not affecting your vision, I would leave it alone.”
I learned that I could change my droopy eyes by slightly squinting them, but that made me appear to be angry all of the time. I became the Angry Total Loser.
The move to Florida happened shortly after high school when I was nineteen.
My aunt through marriage had a brother who was going to be the manager at a small factory that was opening in South Florida. I had always wanted to move to Florida because I hated cold weather.
So off to Florida I went to go work in a small factory. Right after I got there the vice-president of the company decided that they didn’t need any more help so I was alone in Florida with no job. What a Total Loser I was.
I did get a job in a grocery store until I could find something better. Being a Total Loser I never bothered looking, and 25 years later I was still there. I did however manage to save more than a few pennies during that time.
I had enough after 25 plus years, and moved to Bangkok, Thailand to relax for a while. This loser made that decision in June of 2018.
Now here in June of 2020 we have a global pandemic on our hands, and most of us have been in lockdown for months now. I for one am Locked down in Loserville
I have made some epic mistakes in my life that brought me to the point I am at now. I can’t change the past, all I can do is move forward, and make new mistakes that in all likelihood will make my situation even worse.
What is a Total Loser?
I guess that would be me. I am just a Total Loser living in a Loser’s World.
Are you a Total Loser too?
Don’t tell they’d banish us you know.
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